Dead Body Sighting Count: 2

Apparently I am the Haley Joel Osmont of China (thanks Jamie), because on my way to work yesterday I saw what I reckon to be my second dead person here in China. Thankfully, they don’t seem to have the capability to go on about their daily lives around me, as both times they appeared to fairly inert.

As I bicycled my way to work on Wednesday, I pulled up amongst the crowd of bikes at a red light. On a side note, I truly feel like I am part of the ‘gang’ in these packs of bike riders, and a feeling of camaraderie tends to well up.  It tends to be short lived, so I take it where I can get it. Second side note, when bicycling, it’s best to pass on the left as loogies tend to be spat recklessly over the right shoulder. It only takes once to figure that one out.

So there’s a Porsche Cayenne on the left, a pack of twenty bikes all around me, and a special bike with a little cart attached in front of me. When there isn’t cargo in these carts, often times family members hitch rides and you will sometimes even see a kid playing in the back as their father dutifully pedals them to school.
Yesterday however, I noticed that this particular cargo was wrapped up in a blanket with only feet and a hairline above the forehead sticking out. It is a bit cold out, so I didn’t think too much of it. Granted, grandma gets a little higher level of comfort in my family, but again this is China.

Then I notice that there are straps around the shins and around the body at arm level holding the person to the cart. At this point I can only assume that this little old lady has kicked the bucket, and is being transported to her final resting place. Which is hopefully not here. In retrospect I realize that I have never seen a hearse here, so the next logical means of conveyance I guess is by bicycle. And by logical, I mean cheapest.  I smell a business opportunity…

Kindly Remove Your Fatty Liver

Within the first week of arriving in this blessed nation of 1.3 billion, I was trucked off to an undisclosed location, promptly disrobed, probed, poked, and examined. Alright, so maybe it sounds better without all the mundane details, but it was still quite the surreal experience, only further enhanced by the confusion and language barriers.

Apparently, if you plan on staying in the country and working for more than six months, you must surrender to an extensive health examination to make sure you aren’t bringing in anything that China officially doesn’t have- you know like bird flu, HIV, and hepatitis.

Anyways, we took the company van out to the suburbs to a nice looking hospital which served as the infected foreigner removal center. In fact, I think it said something like that on the sign. Maybe.

First stop was the relentless forms which the Chinese love so much. Then came the red stamps, which they love even more than paperwork. And rice. Combined. Then we paid our fees, got a picture taken and were told to go to room 1 down a dark and ominous hallway. There, a diminutive lady gave me a key, a robe, and pointed in the direction of a changing room. Then comes the age-old question of how much should I really be taking off? This comes up a lot in China, especially in massage parlours (I swear I go to legit ones), so this time I decided to be safe and keep the undies on. You just never know when a brisk wind could come up.

So with papers in head, I set out down a different corridor to acquire all the red stamps I needed to be able to leave. Awkward, robe-induced conversation with people from all over the world is incited, and goes something like this:

“So, where you from?”

“Sweden.”

“Cool.”

First stop was X-ray. Seriously, I don’t know, just full body x-rays. You don’t question the Chinese government and their methods, you just don’t. Then I proceeded down the hall to the height and weight station (yay! I’m average here). I distinctively remember being in the 98th percentile in a height test in the States at some point. Next, I was hooked up to an EKG machine, moved along to the blood sample room, and ended up at the vision test.

The vision test never goes well for the Long family, at least the ones like me that inherited the Koerner side of the genes, like me. I can see fine now, thanks to the glasses that cure me from somewhere near total and utter darkness, but the color blindness gets me every time. However, this time I remembered a trick that my uncle told me last time I saw him in California. On that special visit he decided to take out his tiny, but awesome, 2 seat plane, and pick me up from my grandparents’ house outside of San Diego, and fly me back to L.A. to meet up with some friends. As we are flying back at dusk, we are approaching the runway, and Uncle Mike points out the two sets of smallish lights on either side of the runway. He explains hurriedly that they are some sort of approach warning, so that you can guide yourself in at the right level, letting you know if you are going to over or under-shoot the runway. As co-pilot, and inheritor of the color-blindness to a much lessor extent, it was my job to tell him if it was green for good job, yellow for a bit too low, or red, your ass is gonna end up in the grass. How he flies alone still mystifies me.

Anyways, he said that to get and renew his pilot license, which he has had to do several times, you must pass the color test, but that he manages to use the nurses to his advantage. After they show him the little mosaics with barely different colors, and he is expected to point out the figure 8 in red or whatever, he looks a little helpless. The nurse then prods, asking does he see the eight? After a further lingering, but not too pregnant of a pause, the nurse will invariably say, right here, this eight right here? Can’t you see it? she will dubiously ask. At which point you proclaim, oh yes of course! There it is, I saw it all along, and trace the figure eight right where she has just shown you.

So I tried that with the nurse, and this time added the little twist of pretending to not really understand the question, and I ended up with just the marginally bad “Red green color weakness” stamp on my form. But there are worse stamps. Oh, much worse.

The next stop is the ultrasound, which I frankly thought where only given to pregnant women. I got all gooed-up, and got to experience maybe just a little bit what it may feel like to be having a baby. That’s really about as close as I’m hoping to get to the whole process. After all that, I see a few of my fellow compatriots who are having a good laugh out in the hall. Apparently one of the “heavier” teachers didn’t do so well in the ultrasound room. No, he wasn’t pregnant, but should maybe reconsider his lifestyle.

Although still cleared to teach, he received the Scarlet Letter of the stamps, the creme de la creme of all possible proclamations, “Fatty Liver.”

No explanations, no prescribed course of action, no reprimand, just the stamp to let him know that his liver wishes he’d stop drinking beer and eating at McDonalds.

All it took was a quick trip to China, where they have no qualms about telling it like it is, and stamping it out for the world to see.

Back At It

Today marked the start of another semester, and gasp! back to the “grind.” I put this in quotes, because people always seem to think my “grind” seems more leisurely than theirs, but dammit, working part time is enough in my book.

Quickly, here’s whats new before I go into further detail:

-We had a much needed month long break from teaching (read: being a white clown), while the students went of holiday for Chinese New Years. A friend of mine, and fellow teacher did a Google search “cheap flights from Shanghai,” came up with the Philippines for about $100, so that’s where we went. Much more on that later.

-Then the parents came, and we had a great 2 weeks traveling through the 3 Gorges Area and seeing the Shanghai sights.

-I have a new part time gig freelance writing for a website called www.bizcult.com – Basically there are about 5 posts a day from me and the guy who started it, dealing with doing business in China, and how it is related with cultural and current affairs. It is quick, snappy writing, so even if you don’t personally have an interest in the business climate of China, you may find it interesting as well. Check it out!

-I’ll be teaching again just part time in the afternoons now, and also taking Chinese lessons every morning for about 3 hours. I have found that I must somehow subconsciously miss the structure that school provides, because I have been looking forward to this for a while now. Who knows, maybe the ARMY is next?

So that’s the basic gist of my life, not that it affects you in any way probably. Anyways, when I pulled out my old book of lesson plans this morning, I came across something that I had meant to post earlier.

On the last day of class last semester, I was told to give a written test to my 5th graders. No guidelines or anything, they just wanted me to assign some sort of letter grade to these kids who saw me I’d say on average 30 minutes every two weeks. Needless to say, I didn’t feel very vested in their actual progress, so I thought I’d at least try to entertain myself during the test.

Here are some of my favorite responses. And don’t take this as me mocking, well, belittling their abilities, because they are half my age, and speak English twice as well as I do Chinese. Really I just found them to be creative, if not downright crafty. Case in point:

Question 6) Define “reflection”

Jimmy: “‘Reflection’. This word is in our book”

Question 10) Write a few nice things about me.

Favorite responses: “Kyle Long is very handsome, he has golden hair.” Ok, shameless ego boost, but I’ll take it where I can get it.

Rudy went in a different direction with this one, and took it a little bit more literally. “Kyle Long lives in the USA. You eat breakfast everyday. You eat dinner everyday.” Cut to me bringing my red pen out for this one.

Question 9) What types of food are healthy for you? Cindy: “I like the fish. Eat the fish are comfortable. They are nice but I usually eat them.” GOD I love Chinglish.

Last Question) If you had all the money in the world, what would you do? Ralph started down on the right path, but probably should have used an eraser, as this is what he literally wrote: “I will give Kyle Long eighty fifty thirty percent. I will give my parents 40%. I will only give me 30%” Thanks Ralph, your grade is now an A, B, D.

Alright, more posts to follow shortly. Must go study for my Chinese placement exam tomorrow.